Man...you know had something special when the tears are still coming.
I'm trying.
3.19.2010
3.09.2010
Okay, so this isn't a good title, but I'm going to need an Oatmeal Cream Pie before starting this. Brb.
Mmmm....that was nice....
You know, I think Oatmeal Cream Pies are kind of like Reese Cups. There's no wrong way to eat one. Sometimes I like to nibble away the quarter inch of both outer pie crusts just up to the point where the cream begins. Then, if I'm feeling patient and feeling like savoring it, I'll nibble away the top disc of pie so that only the bottom is left with the exposed five half-inch circles of cream in the middle (Yea...did you know that its not a full sheet of cream in the middle? It's a circle of 5 half-inch [roughly] cream spots. There's an empty spot in the very center where no cream exists). I didn't do that just now though. I got as far as nibbling to the outer edge of the cream all the way around and then the rest of it was gone in about two more bites.
But that's besides the point.
What's on my mind tonight? I want to excel at something.
Now, this isn't a cry for attention for people to come running and saying "Oh but Bryan, you're really good at this, and this, and this!" Hear me out. I can think of a thousand things I know the very basics about, or can do, but only with mediocrity. I can think of nothing that I excel at. Something I am extremely proficient in. A level of skill or ability that would be regarded by most as "expert".
Let's see:
And the more time I spend in my current profession, the less I think I'll EVER be an expert in this area. Many days I feel that I'm not cut out for it and there must be something else I was meant to do, but without having skills excelling in another area, it's hard to even know what else I would do.
There you go friends. There's another peek into the deeper thoughts of my brain that aren't usually expressed when you see me. Writing can be an outlet for me. I hope to continue utilizing it as such.
-B
You know, I think Oatmeal Cream Pies are kind of like Reese Cups. There's no wrong way to eat one. Sometimes I like to nibble away the quarter inch of both outer pie crusts just up to the point where the cream begins. Then, if I'm feeling patient and feeling like savoring it, I'll nibble away the top disc of pie so that only the bottom is left with the exposed five half-inch circles of cream in the middle (Yea...did you know that its not a full sheet of cream in the middle? It's a circle of 5 half-inch [roughly] cream spots. There's an empty spot in the very center where no cream exists). I didn't do that just now though. I got as far as nibbling to the outer edge of the cream all the way around and then the rest of it was gone in about two more bites.
But that's besides the point.
What's on my mind tonight? I want to excel at something.
Now, this isn't a cry for attention for people to come running and saying "Oh but Bryan, you're really good at this, and this, and this!" Hear me out. I can think of a thousand things I know the very basics about, or can do, but only with mediocrity. I can think of nothing that I excel at. Something I am extremely proficient in. A level of skill or ability that would be regarded by most as "expert".
Let's see:
- I can't build anything. I have no handyman/carpentry skills (I envy you folk who grew up with your dads around and learned from them).
- I'm a low level computer technician. Though my job has helped me grow a lot in my knowledge, there are many who are far and above better than I who've needed far less to get to where they are. I know this subject better than anything else because most of my time has been spent focusing on it. But I'm far from excelling at it. And some days at work make me wonder if I ever want to.
- I love baseball. It's one of my passions. But I'm mediocre at best when playing it. Never had a strong (or terribly accurate) throwing arm. I've never hit a home run. Didn't play high school or college ball--I wouldn't have stood a chance in the mix with those talents.
- I can't tune a guitar (but I can tuna fish *badump, tchs*...actually, I hate tuna fish). Speaking of fish, the one hooked on my fishing rod in Brain Lake has broken my line and is swimming away with my topic. Hold on, brb.
- Ok, there we go. It's back. I can play the G, C, D, and A (and a few variations of those) open chords on the acoustic guitar. I cannot make them into a song and actually play/read/write music (yet). I really want this to be different in the near future.
- I have little self control with my food and caloric intake. I generally eat what I want, when I want, and that's not keeping me in the shapest of shapes (see my paragraph about Oatmeal Cream Pies at the beginning if you disagree). I have been doing pretty well with going to the gym though recently, so I am excited to see how this might change over the next several months. To clarify, my eating habits aren't atrocious, but better self control will be necessary for steady weight loss (and many many other things).
- I've been a Christian now for probably 15 years or so. I don't have it pinned to a specific date. Whatever--that's not the point. The point is...15 years is a good amount of time. A good amount of time for a lot to happen. However, it's too often that I feel like I've not used that time wisely. At times it feels that any growth that has happened has all fallen away and I'm back to the basics again. I often wonder what the heck my purpose is during this short visit on Earth and if I'm even within earshot of knowing what that is. So often I thought I've had it figured out, and then life takes a drastic change of direction leaving me hopeless and lost again.
- I did pretty darn well in school and the 6 years of college classes that earned me two degrees. One of my biggest personal goals was to graduate from Upstate with Honors. I fell short by a tiny fraction of a GPA point from graduating with Cum Laude (the lowest of Honors ranks). I know that in the big picture, this doesn't matter at all, but it was a personal goal I was really wanting to achieve and unfortunately fell short.
And the more time I spend in my current profession, the less I think I'll EVER be an expert in this area. Many days I feel that I'm not cut out for it and there must be something else I was meant to do, but without having skills excelling in another area, it's hard to even know what else I would do.
I do know for sure that one day I want to excel at being a Godly husband and father. I want to model the love of Christ to my spouse and little ones, whenever that may be. I have loved truly and deeply before and felt completely sure that time was as close to coming as an exhaled winters' breath. I c o u l d s e e i t r i g h t i n f r o n t o f m e. Things changed, though, and that hope faded away just as quickly as the cold breath does. I feel I've failed in the preparation for that which I had hoped to excel. I do think I'm really good at treating a woman as she should be treated. I pride myself on going the extra mile at times because I believe that the little things are worth it. It disgusts me to hear men talk about how they wont do this or that for their loved ones just because it wouldn't be "manly" or because they're lazy and don't think their better half is actually worth the trouble. By the way men...your woman is always the better half. Remember it. Get used to it. If she isn't, raise your standards. :)
There you go friends. There's another peek into the deeper thoughts of my brain that aren't usually expressed when you see me. Writing can be an outlet for me. I hope to continue utilizing it as such.
-B
3.02.2010
Hello little one. You are the future...
There's something special about children to me. Not all children though. Some are just flat out annoying (Some of you probably think I'm a bad person for that, I know. Hold your curses and floggings for later, please).
This thought comes to mind every time I visit one particular place. And it always happens during the workday for me. I'm talking about Oakbrook Preparatory School in Spartanburg. I could be having a really bad day, but if I have to go do any work for Oakbrook, I usually come out of there smiling.
Very recently I made a trip out there to work on a networked copier with the gentleman who installed the device, as he was having some network connectivity issues. This took place in the primary building where the elementary grade classrooms are. When I see the little ones changing classes it really just takes away all my attention and brings me back to the day when I was their size. I really miss being that small. It makes me smile and laugh to see their interactions with their friends and just sit in awe about how carefree their lives are. Time doesn't matter. In fact, it doesn't even exist to them. There are no busy schedules. There aren't bills to be concerned about, or meals to prepare for, or a job to do to stay alive. They just are. They are fragile creatures, subject to soaking up all things around them, good and bad. Things that will teach them and shape their character--also good and bad. And as most humans tend to do, they will apply these fundamental things they learn to similar situations later in life. Just think about that a moment. That means that the people they look up to--us tall older folk who know so much more--play a very crucial role in their lives to impart something to them during these early impressionable ages. Elementary school teachers--I salute you.
I don't remember much from many of my high school teachers. There were a few zany ones (like my Pre-Cal teacher who told us he wrote his checks to "Little Ceasars" as "Little Seizures"...I'll always remember that one), and a few I remember that I really liked. But going back much further, I remember several significant moments during my elementary school years. I remember Mrs. Gault & Mrs. Kellet in Kindergarten. Mrs. Gault, in my mind, and in that age, was a mean grump (Sorry Mrs. G, if for some unbelieveable reason you happen upon this musing). I remember when we were learning to tie shoes with shoelaces laced through cardboard shoe cutouts, Mrs. Gault was getting frustrated with me because I couldn't remember the steps and kept asking for help. Mrs. Kellet, however, with a great amount of patience, worked with me step-by-step a few times until it started to stick. This is such a tiny event in my life that doesn't amount to much compared to other things, but it was significant enough to stick with me 20 years later.
Going back to my experience a couple of weeks ago at Oakbrook, I was at one point in the Music teacher's classroom helping her with a question she had about her computer. She was teaching a class at the time but they were just watching the "I'm just a bill on Capitol Hill" video that I'm sure many of you watched when you were in primary school. After the video was over, my focus began to shift to what the teacher was now doing with the kids. She randomly chose one of the children and appointed him "President Obama". The boy then walked around the circle of classmates and individually greeted each one and shook their hand, while the other student would say "Thank you, Mr. Obama." They were all smiles and seemed to enjoy it. As the boy made his rounds by the side of the circle I was near, he broke out of the circle and came over to shake my hand and include me as well. It really made me laugh.
I'm not so sure teaching is for me, but I've always really really enjoyed the school/classroom atmosphere. When I was graduating college, I really wanted at the time to just get hired on with the IT department I was working in as a student. Looking at the present relationships I've gained that I likely wouldn't have if I did get hired on, I'm glad it didn't happen. But who knows...maybe there's a place for me in a school somewhere doing something, someday. Heh, I even used to think that one day it would be really cool to have a wife that is a teacher. And, truthfully, I thought that was going to become a reality several years ago, but several things happened there which completely changed that situation. That is an entirely different story though...one that may never show its face on a public blog.
To wrap this up...thinking about this stuff also makes me question what I'm doing with my life. Am I doing what I want to do? If I am, more importantly, is it in line with what God wants me to be doing? And, if I am doing what I want to do, shouldn't I feel a little more joyful about it than I do most days? It's pretty overwhelming to think about sometimes. I know I still have a lot of seeking to do for those answers. Perhaps this closing can be a good segway into my next blog posting. Unless I decide to write about something completely different. Which I might. So. We'll just see.
This thought comes to mind every time I visit one particular place. And it always happens during the workday for me. I'm talking about Oakbrook Preparatory School in Spartanburg. I could be having a really bad day, but if I have to go do any work for Oakbrook, I usually come out of there smiling.
Very recently I made a trip out there to work on a networked copier with the gentleman who installed the device, as he was having some network connectivity issues. This took place in the primary building where the elementary grade classrooms are. When I see the little ones changing classes it really just takes away all my attention and brings me back to the day when I was their size. I really miss being that small. It makes me smile and laugh to see their interactions with their friends and just sit in awe about how carefree their lives are. Time doesn't matter. In fact, it doesn't even exist to them. There are no busy schedules. There aren't bills to be concerned about, or meals to prepare for, or a job to do to stay alive. They just are. They are fragile creatures, subject to soaking up all things around them, good and bad. Things that will teach them and shape their character--also good and bad. And as most humans tend to do, they will apply these fundamental things they learn to similar situations later in life. Just think about that a moment. That means that the people they look up to--us tall older folk who know so much more--play a very crucial role in their lives to impart something to them during these early impressionable ages. Elementary school teachers--I salute you.
I don't remember much from many of my high school teachers. There were a few zany ones (like my Pre-Cal teacher who told us he wrote his checks to "Little Ceasars" as "Little Seizures"...I'll always remember that one), and a few I remember that I really liked. But going back much further, I remember several significant moments during my elementary school years. I remember Mrs. Gault & Mrs. Kellet in Kindergarten. Mrs. Gault, in my mind, and in that age, was a mean grump (Sorry Mrs. G, if for some unbelieveable reason you happen upon this musing). I remember when we were learning to tie shoes with shoelaces laced through cardboard shoe cutouts, Mrs. Gault was getting frustrated with me because I couldn't remember the steps and kept asking for help. Mrs. Kellet, however, with a great amount of patience, worked with me step-by-step a few times until it started to stick. This is such a tiny event in my life that doesn't amount to much compared to other things, but it was significant enough to stick with me 20 years later.
Going back to my experience a couple of weeks ago at Oakbrook, I was at one point in the Music teacher's classroom helping her with a question she had about her computer. She was teaching a class at the time but they were just watching the "I'm just a bill on Capitol Hill" video that I'm sure many of you watched when you were in primary school. After the video was over, my focus began to shift to what the teacher was now doing with the kids. She randomly chose one of the children and appointed him "President Obama". The boy then walked around the circle of classmates and individually greeted each one and shook their hand, while the other student would say "Thank you, Mr. Obama." They were all smiles and seemed to enjoy it. As the boy made his rounds by the side of the circle I was near, he broke out of the circle and came over to shake my hand and include me as well. It really made me laugh.
I'm not so sure teaching is for me, but I've always really really enjoyed the school/classroom atmosphere. When I was graduating college, I really wanted at the time to just get hired on with the IT department I was working in as a student. Looking at the present relationships I've gained that I likely wouldn't have if I did get hired on, I'm glad it didn't happen. But who knows...maybe there's a place for me in a school somewhere doing something, someday. Heh, I even used to think that one day it would be really cool to have a wife that is a teacher. And, truthfully, I thought that was going to become a reality several years ago, but several things happened there which completely changed that situation. That is an entirely different story though...one that may never show its face on a public blog.
To wrap this up...thinking about this stuff also makes me question what I'm doing with my life. Am I doing what I want to do? If I am, more importantly, is it in line with what God wants me to be doing? And, if I am doing what I want to do, shouldn't I feel a little more joyful about it than I do most days? It's pretty overwhelming to think about sometimes. I know I still have a lot of seeking to do for those answers. Perhaps this closing can be a good segway into my next blog posting. Unless I decide to write about something completely different. Which I might. So. We'll just see.
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