Lifestyle Changes

It's been roughly four years since I have signed in here and posted anything. Let me take a second to brush away the cobwebs.

There, that's better. Thanks Donald.

For most of my life, I've lived pretty care-free when it comes to the consumption of food and drink, enjoying the many delightful pleasures that they can bring. From humongous bacon cheeseburgers sandwiched between two doughnuts, to deep fried oreos at the fair, there wasn't much I would turn down if it sounded tasty. Couple this sort of freewheeling attitude with a work environment that consists of sitting in front of computer monitors most of the day, and you can imagine the toll that begins to take on one's physique. Let me give you a hint: I was getting fat. 

Fat can be a relative term, I know. And some might have scoffed if I had said that I'm fat. But one simple fact remained: The outline of my body could have been reproduced by numerous mathematical bell curves and sine wave functions. I was feeling it too. I no longer could run very fast. I would get winded walking up a flight or two of stairs. I had been on high-blood pressure medicine for years (this is partially a genetic issue, but I believe my care-free diet wasn't helping it any, either). At my highest point, I had gotten up to 226 lbs, in my six-foot and zero-inches, non-muscular frame. And a lot of those pounds tended to collect in a pile very neatly around my mid-section. 

It's a very tough thing, learning to eat for satiety instead of for pure glutinous pleasure. Why? Because man, food can taste good! It can release endorphins that make us feel all warm, happy, and comforted (but also sluggish and tired). But that's what the rest of this post is going to be about -- my current journey of re-shaping my body and re-shaping my view on the food that I consume.

I've tried fad diets. Anyone ever heard of Medifast? I bought a month's supply of those powdered "just mix with water and microwave" meals. Did it work? Well, perhaps it was working some. I did lose roughly 15 lbs during that month. But I wasn't happy. Meals were boring, sometimes pretty bland. I rarely felt full after those meals. And worst of all, it was really expensive for food that you soak in water and then nuke for a minute and a half. It was a literal party the day that one month supply of food ran out -- we threw a Super Bowl party with real, tasty food and watched a football game. 

Some friends of mine started a new type of diet several months ago. Well it was new to me, anyway. And when I heard them talk about it, I thought there is no way you'd get me on that. I like ___ too much to give it up. But time went on, and they stuck with it. It wasn't long before I saw my buddy's shape really start trimming down. He was looking and feeling great! And he seemed none-too-bothered by what or how much he was eating. He was happy! This really started to pique my interest. I wanted to lose weight, but I hadn't found a formula that worked for me up to this point, so maybe I could look into it some more. I talked with my buddy and his wife and they had me convinced that I was ready to give it a try. After much discussion with my wife, we made a plan to eat through the rest of the groceries in our house that wasn't allowed on this diet and start incorporating a few of the ingredients and meals that we could have to slowly transition ourselves into doing it full-bore. 

That diet is called Keto. It is very similar to one you may be more familiar with hearing -- the Adkins Diet. Keto is short for "ketosis" which can be defined as:

"a metabolic state in which most of the body's energy supply comes from ketone bodies in the blood, in contrast to a state of glycolysis in which blood glucose provides most of the energy."

To put it succinctly, when your body enters ketosis, it transitions from wanting to burn carbohydrates (read: sugars) for fuel (energy) to wanting to burn fat stores for energy. Therefore, the key to a ketogenic diet is very low carb intake, very low sugar intake, and high fat/protein/fiber (and water) intake. Eventually your body will start to attack the fat stores you have saved up in your body and burn those for energy when you aren't giving it loads of carbs to chew up first. And have you looked at any nutrition labels lately? Carbs are in everything. A typical daily goal for carb intake on the keto diet is 20g or less of net carbs (more on what that means in a bit). Let's put that in perspective: one 12oz. can of Coca-Cola soda contains 39g of carbs (all from the sugar). One can is nearly two entire day's worth of carbs on this diet!

Note: It is actually very important to consume a lot of water on this diet, as it helps to turn some of the fat into ketones. You will be able to tell a difference when you've not had enough water vs. days where you have.

I know what you might be thinking -- what can/can't I eat on this diet then? I may already be losing some of you by saying that you can't have any soda. My suggestion is to find a diet soda you can handle if you just have to have that caffeine and carbonation fix. We really enjoy Coke Zero, but your personal preferences may vary. Let's just list some obvious things you should avoid that are nothing but carbs: bread, wheat, potatoes, rice, grains, pasta, soda. I know, I sound like I just took all the fun and joy out of eating. Potato chips are easily one of my favorite things to binge eat. But it's all starchy carbohydrates (which your body breaks down into simple sugars), and one serving can likely top your daily carb goal for sure, let alone the typical 3-4 servings I would have in a sitting.

Tiny list of things you can eat:

• Bacon (I wanted to start this list with bacon, because list another diet that does!)
• Cheese
• Eggs
• Chicken/beef/pork/fish...your protein of choice
• Sausage
• Most vegetables (careful, some veggies can be very carby and should be eaten in moderation, or simply avoided). 
• Butter (real butter, not the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" not-butter).
• Low-carb tortilla wraps (they make carb-friendly wraps that are 4g net carbs each, if you need to fill that void for bread)
• Low-carb ice cream (Breyer's Carb Smart ice cream tastes amazing, 4g net carbs)
• Sugar-free jello with whipped cream
• Coffee, just careful with your sweet creamer choices or sweetener options. We use half-and-half creamer and a sugar-substitute.
• Almonds (in moderation)
• Mixed-cocktails (careful about juices, those are high in sugar). Appropriate example could be a Jack (or Rum) and Coke Zero.
• Pork rinds (these satisfy my longing for crunchy, salty potato chips, and they're 0g carbs!)

The point is, check your labels. If you're getting half of your day's allotment of carbs from one meal (or one component in one meal), it may be too risky to allow it. Use your good judgment. And know that there are alternatives for many of the things that you should avoid. For example, with a cheap spiralizer tool, you can run a zucchini through it to turn that vegetable into something that really imitates pasta. Cauliflower is also a very versatile vegetable that can be a very tasty replacement for potatoes (I know that sounds crazy, but I have a couple dishes with this that might surprise you). There is even a recipe that we've made a few times now for a pizza where the crust is made entirely of mozzarella cheese and almond flour. Seriously good, and seriously filling. We even have a recipe for keto-friendly waffles. So good!

My progress so far: -20lbs.

• Starting weight - 216
• Current weight - 196

This is over the course of six weeks. I started this on August 16th, 2016 and today is the 3rd of October. I might also add that I've done very minimal exercise during this period as well. Pounds are shedding off simply from a change in what I'm allowing to go in it. It's tough at times. There is often free food at work that I can't have and will turn down. The holidays coming up will prove especially challenging, but every day that I step on the scale and see a decrease makes it a little bit easier. Here's something I've enjoyed saying recently:

"There are a lot of things I miss on this diet, but there are 20 things so far that I don't miss. Pound 216, pound 215, pound 214, pound 213..." etc.

One final quick thing to explain what I mentioned above about "net carbs". Calculating net carbs is really easy and follows this formula:

• Net Carb = Total Carb - (Fiber + Sugar Alcohols)

Let's take the Breyer's Carb Smart ice cream for example:

One 1/2 cup serving of that ice cream says it has 14g of carbs. Sounds like a lot, but lets take a closer look. It also has 6g of sugar alcohols (simply sugar substitutes), and 4g of dietary fiber. So lets plug those numbers in:

• 14g - (6g + 4g) = 4g net carbs per 1/2 cup of ice cream. Sweet treat, low carb!

I've probably gone on long enough about this stuff, so I'll leave you with a few pictures of food we've created over the last six weeks that has just been outstanding in fulfillment and flavor. Feel free to ask me questions in the comments.

Cheesy scrambled eggs with sausage links

Seasoned beef taco spinach salad with cheese and spicy taco sauce

 

Not a great photo, but this is a take on "twice baked potatoes" using mashed cauliflower, and topped with cheese, bacon, and baked in the oven. This is one of our absolute favorites!

Chicken tenderloins, breaded by a process of egg bath, then rolled in a mixture of almond flour, crushed pork rinds, and seasonings. Pan fried in canola oil on the stove top. 0g carb breading!

Low carb waffles. Wife made a big batch and froze some. Ate on these for quick breakfasts during the week.

Cheeseburger wrapped in a low carb tortilla (4g), and then grilled to crisp. Side of zucchini noodles and sauteed mushrooms with olive oil, garlic, and parmesan cheese.

Bacon cheeseburger in another low-ish carb fold over bread wrap. Had this at a friend's house. Plated in the background are garlic and rosemary mashed "caulitatoes", cauliflower that resembles a mashed potato side.

Skirt steak with mushrooms and diced peppers in fajita seasonings. Put these in low carb tortillas for fajitas.

Fathead pizza crust (mozzarella cheese and almond flour mixture, baked part way first before topping).

Fathead pizza after it was topped with a low sugar marinara sauce, cheese, pepperoni, and then baked. Two slices is actually filling, which leaves leftovers for the next day!

Thanks for reading!

Cruise 2012: Prologue

Matt and Lauren arrived at my house at 7:30am. I was going off of 3 hours of sleep and was scrambling to finish getting everything together. As Matt was getting out of his car, one of my neighbors was walking around outside and asked if he would take her to the Sunoco for some pepto bismal or ginger ale. Matt didn't feel comfortable taking her, but said he'd go get it for her if she really needed it. Her belligerence started here, with her getting upset that he wouldn't drive her there. She told him she was going to call the police about his car on the street and say it was suspicious.

Matt and Lauren come inside to help me get my things to the car. About 15 minutes later I'm getting the last of my stuff in there and I hear the lady from the far end of the street shouting at me saying, "I've already called them! I already called them you asshole! I'm getting you out of this neighborhood! Do you hear me? You think you're funny. You think this is a fucking joke! He's right there *points toward house of the officer that lives in our neighborhood*".

The belligerence continues as she shouts obscenities at me and walks in my direction. I stood there quietly because I wasn't going to participate in this childish shouting match and possibly wake up sleeping neighbors. She got about 5 feet from me and I noticed a black plastic bag filled with something, and a strange smelling perfume. If I had to give it a name, I'd probably call it "80 Proof". She was rather inebriated to say the least and it explained a lot.

I told her she better go home. She told me she was going to smack me in my face. Her intentions were true, but her attempt was not adequately executed. The strikes seemed to come in slow motion and were rather easy to block. She offered an exerted grunt with each unsuccessful swing. After about 5-7 tries, she relented. I was getting my phone out to call the police at this point because I couldn't get her out of my face or property, and our caravan was nearing ready for departure.

Of course, when I actually dialed 911 to get the police, she decided it was time to mozy on home a couple houses down. I explained the situation to dispatch and within 5 minutes an officer was at my house. He heard my story and I told him the problem resolved itself as soon as I called them because she went home. He said he was going to go talk to her anyway.

The rest of my party arrived and we got the luggage and cars ready to roll. I watched the officer as he talked to her across the street. I saw both of them making reenacted arm motions similar to those that I experienced during her leisurely fury of swings. A second officer rolled up and went over to the discussion but the rest is anticlimactic. She's told to go inside and the officers leave. On his way out he stopped where we were standing and I went up to his window.

"Welp, you're right, she's drunk. But that's consistent with every other time I've dealt with her", said the officer. "Have a good day."

Carless

She tried. She tried hard. But she died tonight.

I got home about an hour ago. I went to Charlotte this evening to test drive, and make a decision on a car I'm looking to buy. My car didn't have a strong start when leaving to come home. We got on the interstate and as we were going, the battery light was lit, my interior lights slowly got dimmer, as did my headlights until I had none at all. 'Tis a scary feeling driving in darkness, the only sources of light dimming like candles at wick's end. I'm now panicked, trying to see to make the next exit. At this point, I have zero interior lights, turn signals aren't coming on, I'm coasting off the exit ramp and pull out of gear, let off the gas, start applying brake and my car stalls. It's done. I coast around the turn to the right, my brother jumps out of the car and starts pushing me to keep the momentum going, and I coast into a Citgo fueling station off of I-85. My alternator is dead. I got a jump from a truck there, let it run for a while, but the moment I turned on my headlights the car stalled. I feared the cost of a tow back to my home since I was more than an hour away, so I was able to get some friends to come pick us up. The plan now is to try to locate an alternator tomorrow, and a spare ride, and someone with know-how, and try to get my car back home tomorrow afternoon/evening.

That being said, I'm currently carless. I can probably get a ride into work tomorrow, as some folks from OEC live very close to me. From there, I can try to locate a car to borrow and then try to locate an alternator. If anyone has any great ideas or suggestions or ways to help me achieve any of the above...let me know.

Thanks,
B

Mini Vacation - Atlanta, Georgia

I am at a gas station just outside of Atlanta, Georgia while we fill up the gas tank. My friends, Matt (@browncoat2511), Lauren (@Ryuzaki_X23), Baker (@geekiskhan), and I are disembarking from our mini vacation to Atlanta that we so thoroughly enjoyed this weekend. Lauren had a conference to attend down here, which was to help her prepare to take the Marriage and Family licensing test to become a licensed therapist. Matt didn't feel like going alone for the weekend while Lauren spent the majority of her Saturday listening to talks at the conference, so he invited a couple of us to come along and ditch our normal weekend routines for some extraordinary fun And fun it was!

First, it was simply awesome to use a vacation day and take Friday off from work. It was great to stay up late on Thursday, sleep in Friday, and eventually pack into the car for the couple-hour road trip to our neighboring state. The commute was shortly interrupted by a lunch at everyone's favorite hot dog restaurant, Phat Dogs! If you've never heard of it, you are likely a stranger to me. Once you have tasted and seen that the Phat Dog is good, you may even become evangelical about it. Just sayin'. All jokes aside, they were exceptionally busy and we had a fantastic lunch. It was nice to see the dining room so full, and more coming in to order at the bar, but it is nice when I can visit when there are no guests and I have time to sit and talk with them. Matt & Lauren both bought Phat Dogs t-shirts too, which was extra cool.

Our journey continues down I-85S shortly after getting phattened (heh, see what I did there?). Baker and I sat in the back seat playing with our electronic devices and listening to tunes as they streamed from our iDevices to the bluetooth-enabled stereo in Matt's car. Other than that, there weren't really any other notable events to write about during the drive.

We arrived at the hotel, the Hyatt Place, around 3:30 PM. Unloaded our stuffs and took a few minutes to sit and rest.

I'm not exactly sure what is on the television, but going by their expressions, it must have been...interesting.

After taking a moment to rest from the car ride, we packed back in and made our way towards downtown Atlanta to find the World of Coca-Cola. They have built a new location since the last time I visited it near Underground Atlanta many years ago. It was much fun. A couple of pics below...

Chillin' with the Polar Bear.

Chillin with Mike.

Chillin' with the gang, outside of the World of Coke.

After this, we walked a good couple miles around downtown trying to find a place to eat that were both reasonably priced, and had vacancy. We failed to find a place that matched both and instead headed back towards the hotel in hopes of finding something along the way. We did, and settled upon Longhorn Steakhouse. Our meals were fantastic. I had Red Rock Grilled Shrimp on a bed of rice with a side of mashed potatoes. Very, very good.

Saturday came, and we...well...I'll have to finish this later. My laptop battery is dying. Brb.

---

Aaaaand, we're back! Batteries are juiced and ready for the rest of this blog story. 

Saturday came, and after enjoying a tasty continental breakfast consisting of cereals, fruits, and various breads, Matt took Lauren to the Hilton Marquis where she would spend her day in the conference. Mike and I stayed behind to get ready, because in about an hour we would be making our way to Six Flags over Georgia! It had been about six or seven years since the last time I visited Six Flags, but it was always a blast so I was sure to enjoy it. My only concern was wondering if I could I keep up as well as years past, with all the hurrying up to wait in lines and standing in the heat all day.

It is strange to think back to when you were a kid and remember the times when you had to go to bed right before a big vacation or trip somewhere, and remember how you couldn't sleep because the excitement was so great that you couldn't take your mind off of it. I remember having those magical feelings about amusement parks when I was a child. Something happens when we grow older though and that magic seems to fade. I hadn't really thought of Six Flags once before I went to bed on Friday night. But as we pulled into the parking lot, that excitement crept back in as I saw the trains already rushing around the twists and turns of the tracks, and hearing the screams of the scared riders.

The three of us were only interested in the roller coasters, so that's what we set out to do. We stopped to get a map and chart out our plan to attack as many coasters as we could. First up: The Georgia Cyclone. It is a classic wooden coaster that has been a favorite of many Six Flags patrons for a long time. Matt learned quickly, however, that he wasn't a big fan of wooden coasters as the ride seemed to jar him a bit too hard. It wasn't a big roller coaster, but it was enough to get us acclimated again to the feeling of G-forces stretching the skin on our faces and jumbling the insides of our bodies around.

After this, we made a bee line for the Georgia Scorcher which was just a few feet away. This time we decided to wait in line for the front row on the train, and it was worth it! This ride was one of the best on the day for sure, and getting to do it in the front row with complete visibility of everything around you is definitely the way to experience it. It's like the difference between having a window seat vs. an aisle seat while flying in a plane. Window seat (to me) is always better. This set the trend for the rest of our visit. On all the other coasters we rode, we waited the little bit extra to get into the front row. Other rides ridden include: Mind Bender, Batman, The Great American Scream Machine, and Superman.

Notables about Batman: We waited in line nearly two hours to get to the front. We were the next people to get on, but then it "shut down for technical difficulties". We were told that we could exit the way we came in, or wait in line if we wanted, but they couldn't tell us how long it would be before they fixed it. We opted to wait, and about 30 minutes later, we were able to ride it.

Notables about Superman: This one was the favorite of all on the day. It's just so different than any other coaster, getting to lay down on your stomach and whip through the air like Superman. It even incited some double rainbow-esque moments in a couple of us :).

Saturday evening concluded with delivered Papa John's pizza, the Carolina / Auburn football game, and a seemingly endless game of Skip-Bo in the hotel room. It was certainly good times.

That was pretty much everything notable from this weekend. It was definitely worth it and nice to get out and do something a little different for a change. I have a ton more pictures that may go up on facebook soon. I'll likely link this post to them at that time.

Altitudinous tensions of my vital fluid

Short story:
I have high blood pressure. It will be okay.

Full story:
I went to Greenville last Thursday to a Blood Connection sponsored blood drive with the intention of donating a pint of my vital fluid. I was looking forward to it because I hadn't given blood in quite a while -- since college to be exact. I began giving blood in high school and had done it regularly ever since, so the act is certainly nothing new to me. I had even recruited five of my friends to donate as well, so they all met at my house after work that evening to eat a little food.

We sat around my living room, eating PB&Js and sippin' some OJ. Two of my friends were new to everyone else, but after initial introductions, common interests were sparked and thus began conversations about our thoughts and opinions of the TV series Lost. With our hungers soon satiated, we packed into two cars and headed for the blood drive destination -- the Haywood Mall.

[fast forward forty-five minutes through a calm and uneventful drive to the mall]

We entered the mall from Belk's which was right next to where the donation center was located. A path was made through the aisles of clothing, perfumes and scents, and makeup counters while listening to 90s pop/rock genres pumped over the muzak system. The short stroll led us directly to our destination and we were all soon filling out forms of personal information and HIPPA release papers. The room was filled with phlebotomists who were hurriedly, yet methodically, performing the blood extraction process on the willing and eligible patients. It was only a few minutes before I was first called back to meet with the nurse who is required to do the initial testing and finger pricking and ask the essential questions to ensure I and my blood are healthy enough to donate. I made it through the finger prick and the 1,001 seemingly irrelevant questions (at least, irrelevant in my case) without any issues. What I did not expect, and unfortunately did not pass, was the blood pressure test. The nurse put on the cuff and began inflating the utility while asking me the irrelevant questions. Once the last of the essential questions were asked, she followed up with one more, eyebrows raised: "Honey, what is up with your blood pressure?!"

Normal, or rather ideal, blood pressure is understood to be 120/80. According to this nurse, my readings from the blood pressure cuff were 168/118. Astronomically high for a relatively healthy [read: does not smoke, does not drink, & is not fat] male only twenty-six years of age. I do not remember what the pulse was, but I know it was above normal also. Further, I was informed that with those numbers, I'm borderline stroke/heart attack. Finally, the nurse told me with her serious face: "Go see your doctor tomorrow."

She had me go back and sit down in the waiting area to perhaps let my body relax some (though I had no anxiety or hadn't done anything strenuous before going in) and said she would test it again in ten minutes to see if it drops within an acceptable range. The second results were indeed less, but still alarming to her and certainly still not eligible for donation.

"Holy crap. I'm borderline dead.", I ponder as I sit there in front of the snack/drink/pizza table where people were gathering food after their donation was complete. I had known since high school that my blood pressure was a little high. The nurses have always been a little surprised and told me it seems a little high for my age, even all through college. But I've never been denied as a donor. And I've never been advised to go see my doctor. And I certainly had never been told I'm borderline stroking out. Naturally, I was a little bummed out and quite worried.

[fast forward through the long holiday weekend to Tuesday]

I met with Dr. Bingham who is now my family physician, thanks to my boss. My reading at the doctors office was substantially lower than the alarming numbers recorded the previous Thursday, but unfortunately was still too high. Dr. Bingham questioned the validity of their reading though and said that I am not about to stroke out or have a heart attack. He combated a lot of that scare and ensured me it wasn't as big of a deal as they made it out to be, especially since I feel completely fine. The doctor still felt it necessary to perform an EKG, however, since it is a little unusual for someone under the age of thirty to be diagnosed with high blood pressure.

An EKG consisted of me having metal leads attached to my bare chest and two on my legs while multiple dongle like clips attached to the leads to measure the electrical activity in my body and report back any abnormalities. The nurse got everything hooked up, and did something on her computer to start the test, but nothing happened. She was getting no readings at all. Jokingly I asked, "So...does this mean I am dead?". She remained curiously focused though, and I believe the humor in my joke went unnoticed. I then raised my legs and asked "aren't these supposed to be hooked up too?". She had forgotten to hook up those leads to her machine, and that was apparently the missing link. After that, her computer screen populated with multiple seemingly meaningless squiggly lines that somehow tells them what my kidneys and other internal organs are up to. Moments later, the nurse came back and said everything checks out just fine on the EKG, so there is nothing extra to worry about. Dr. Bingham simply prescribed me some inexpensive blood pressure medicine and said we'd follow up in a month on my progress.

I have since found out that high blood pressure runs in my mom's side of the family. Mom has it (and has had open heart surgery to replace valves with cow parts), grandma has it, her mom had it. Cannot avoid genetics. Fortunately, blood pressure medicine isn't something most people have to stay on their entire lives. There's a good chance I'll be able to use it to get me back down to a normal level, and then keep it there with a combination of a healthy diet and consistent exercise.

So, thats all folks. Let's hope all goes well with this!

-B

Something Special

Man...you know had something special when the tears are still coming.

I'm trying.

Okay, so this isn't a good title, but I'm going to need an Oatmeal Cream Pie before starting this. Brb.

Mmmm....that was nice....

You know, I think Oatmeal Cream Pies are kind of like Reese Cups. There's no wrong way to eat one. Sometimes I like to nibble away the quarter inch of both outer pie crusts just up to the point where the cream begins. Then, if I'm feeling patient and feeling like savoring it, I'll nibble away the top disc of pie so that only the bottom is left with the exposed five half-inch circles of cream in the middle (Yea...did you know that its not a full sheet of cream in the middle? It's a circle of 5 half-inch [roughly] cream spots. There's an empty spot in the very center where no cream exists). I didn't do that just now though. I got as far as nibbling to the outer edge of the cream all the way around and then the rest of it was gone in about two more bites.

But that's besides the point.

What's on my mind tonight? I want to excel at something.

Now, this isn't a cry for attention for people to come running and saying "Oh but Bryan, you're really good at this, and this, and this!" Hear me out. I can think of a thousand things I know the very basics about, or can do, but only with mediocrity. I can think of nothing that I excel at. Something I am extremely proficient in. A level of skill or ability that would be regarded by most as "expert".

Let's see:

• I can't build anything. I have no handyman/carpentry skills (I envy you folk who grew up with your dads around and learned from them).
• I'm a low level computer technician. Though my job has helped me grow a lot in my knowledge, there are many who are far and above better than I who've needed far less to get to where they are. I know this subject better than anything else because most of my time has been spent focusing on it. But I'm far from excelling at it. And some days at work make me wonder if I ever want to.
• I love baseball. It's one of my passions. But I'm mediocre at best when playing it. Never had a strong (or terribly accurate) throwing arm. I've never hit a home run. Didn't play high school or college ball--I wouldn't have stood a chance in the mix with those talents. 
• I can't tune a guitar (but I can tuna fish *badump, tchs*...actually, I hate tuna fish). Speaking of fish, the one hooked on my fishing rod in Brain Lake has broken my line and is swimming away with my topic. Hold on, brb.
• Ok, there we go. It's back. I can play the G, C, D, and A (and a few variations of those) open chords on the acoustic guitar. I cannot make them into a song and actually play/read/write music (yet). I really want this to be different in the near future.
• I have little self control with my food and caloric intake. I generally eat what I want, when I want, and that's not keeping me in the shapest of shapes (see my paragraph about Oatmeal Cream Pies at the beginning if you disagree). I have been doing pretty well with going to the gym though recently, so I am excited to see how this might change over the next several months. To clarify, my eating habits aren't atrocious, but better self control will be necessary for steady weight loss (and many many other things).
• I've been a Christian now for probably 15 years or so. I don't have it pinned to a specific date. Whatever--that's not the point. The point is...15 years is a good amount of time. A good amount of time for a lot to happen. However, it's too often that I feel like I've not used that time wisely. At times it feels that any growth that has happened has all fallen away and I'm back to the basics again. I often wonder what the heck my purpose is during this short visit on Earth and if I'm even within earshot of knowing what that is. So often I thought I've had it figured out, and then life takes a drastic change of direction leaving me hopeless and lost again.
•  I did pretty darn well in school and the 6 years of college classes that earned me two degrees. One of my biggest personal goals was to graduate from Upstate with Honors. I fell short by a tiny fraction of a GPA point from graduating with Cum Laude (the lowest of Honors ranks). I know that in the big picture, this doesn't matter at all, but it was a personal goal I was really wanting to achieve and unfortunately fell short. 

I could go on and on I'm sure. Please don't be mistaken. My concern is not with being famous for any of these. I'm not seeking attention and hoping to be known for something great. I just don't want to be a jack-of-a-few-trades but a master of none. I'm not even sure that any of the above are any that I would want to be a master of. Except for maybe baseball. :) I wouldn't mind being a part of the Atlanta Braves organization someday.

And the more time I spend in my current profession, the less I think I'll EVER be an expert in this area. Many days I feel that I'm not cut out for it and there must be something else I was meant to do, but without having skills excelling in another area, it's hard to even know what else I would do.

I do know for sure that one day I want to excel at being a Godly husband and father. I want to model the love of Christ to my spouse and little ones, whenever that may be. I have loved truly and deeply before and felt completely sure that time was as close to coming as an exhaled winters' breath. I  c o u l d  s e e  i t  r i g h t  i n  f r o n t  o f  m e. Things changed, though, and that hope faded away just as quickly as the cold breath does. I feel I've failed in the preparation for that which I had hoped to excel. I do think I'm really good at treating a woman as she should be treated. I pride myself on going the extra mile at times because I believe that the little things are worth it. It disgusts me to hear men talk about how they wont do this or that for their loved ones just because it wouldn't be "manly" or because they're lazy and don't think their better half is actually worth the trouble. By the way men...your woman is always the better half. Remember it. Get used to it. If she isn't, raise your standards. :)

There you go friends. There's another peek into the deeper thoughts of my brain that aren't usually expressed when you see me. Writing can be an outlet for me. I hope to continue utilizing it as such.

-B