Okay, so this isn't a good title, but I'm going to need an Oatmeal Cream Pie before starting this. Brb.

Mmmm....that was nice....

You know, I think Oatmeal Cream Pies are kind of like Reese Cups. There's no wrong way to eat one. Sometimes I like to nibble away the quarter inch of both outer pie crusts just up to the point where the cream begins. Then, if I'm feeling patient and feeling like savoring it, I'll nibble away the top disc of pie so that only the bottom is left with the exposed five half-inch circles of cream in the middle (Yea...did you know that its not a full sheet of cream in the middle? It's a circle of 5 half-inch [roughly] cream spots. There's an empty spot in the very center where no cream exists). I didn't do that just now though. I got as far as nibbling to the outer edge of the cream all the way around and then the rest of it was gone in about two more bites.

But that's besides the point.

What's on my mind tonight? I want to excel at something.

Now, this isn't a cry for attention for people to come running and saying "Oh but Bryan, you're really good at this, and this, and this!" Hear me out. I can think of a thousand things I know the very basics about, or can do, but only with mediocrity. I can think of nothing that I excel at. Something I am extremely proficient in. A level of skill or ability that would be regarded by most as "expert".

Let's see:

• I can't build anything. I have no handyman/carpentry skills (I envy you folk who grew up with your dads around and learned from them).
• I'm a low level computer technician. Though my job has helped me grow a lot in my knowledge, there are many who are far and above better than I who've needed far less to get to where they are. I know this subject better than anything else because most of my time has been spent focusing on it. But I'm far from excelling at it. And some days at work make me wonder if I ever want to.
• I love baseball. It's one of my passions. But I'm mediocre at best when playing it. Never had a strong (or terribly accurate) throwing arm. I've never hit a home run. Didn't play high school or college ball--I wouldn't have stood a chance in the mix with those talents. 
• I can't tune a guitar (but I can tuna fish *badump, tchs*...actually, I hate tuna fish). Speaking of fish, the one hooked on my fishing rod in Brain Lake has broken my line and is swimming away with my topic. Hold on, brb.
• Ok, there we go. It's back. I can play the G, C, D, and A (and a few variations of those) open chords on the acoustic guitar. I cannot make them into a song and actually play/read/write music (yet). I really want this to be different in the near future.
• I have little self control with my food and caloric intake. I generally eat what I want, when I want, and that's not keeping me in the shapest of shapes (see my paragraph about Oatmeal Cream Pies at the beginning if you disagree). I have been doing pretty well with going to the gym though recently, so I am excited to see how this might change over the next several months. To clarify, my eating habits aren't atrocious, but better self control will be necessary for steady weight loss (and many many other things).
• I've been a Christian now for probably 15 years or so. I don't have it pinned to a specific date. Whatever--that's not the point. The point is...15 years is a good amount of time. A good amount of time for a lot to happen. However, it's too often that I feel like I've not used that time wisely. At times it feels that any growth that has happened has all fallen away and I'm back to the basics again. I often wonder what the heck my purpose is during this short visit on Earth and if I'm even within earshot of knowing what that is. So often I thought I've had it figured out, and then life takes a drastic change of direction leaving me hopeless and lost again.
•  I did pretty darn well in school and the 6 years of college classes that earned me two degrees. One of my biggest personal goals was to graduate from Upstate with Honors. I fell short by a tiny fraction of a GPA point from graduating with Cum Laude (the lowest of Honors ranks). I know that in the big picture, this doesn't matter at all, but it was a personal goal I was really wanting to achieve and unfortunately fell short. 

I could go on and on I'm sure. Please don't be mistaken. My concern is not with being famous for any of these. I'm not seeking attention and hoping to be known for something great. I just don't want to be a jack-of-a-few-trades but a master of none. I'm not even sure that any of the above are any that I would want to be a master of. Except for maybe baseball. :) I wouldn't mind being a part of the Atlanta Braves organization someday.

And the more time I spend in my current profession, the less I think I'll EVER be an expert in this area. Many days I feel that I'm not cut out for it and there must be something else I was meant to do, but without having skills excelling in another area, it's hard to even know what else I would do.

I do know for sure that one day I want to excel at being a Godly husband and father. I want to model the love of Christ to my spouse and little ones, whenever that may be. I have loved truly and deeply before and felt completely sure that time was as close to coming as an exhaled winters' breath. I  c o u l d  s e e  i t  r i g h t  i n  f r o n t  o f  m e. Things changed, though, and that hope faded away just as quickly as the cold breath does. I feel I've failed in the preparation for that which I had hoped to excel. I do think I'm really good at treating a woman as she should be treated. I pride myself on going the extra mile at times because I believe that the little things are worth it. It disgusts me to hear men talk about how they wont do this or that for their loved ones just because it wouldn't be "manly" or because they're lazy and don't think their better half is actually worth the trouble. By the way men...your woman is always the better half. Remember it. Get used to it. If she isn't, raise your standards. :)

There you go friends. There's another peek into the deeper thoughts of my brain that aren't usually expressed when you see me. Writing can be an outlet for me. I hope to continue utilizing it as such.

-B